Three Fan Girls
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: Three fan girls, three fan girls, see how they run, see how they run. They ran to the marvelous Juuban-taicho, who got away mostly unscathed with no thanks to the three fan girls, three fan girls.


Scurrying sounds weren't anything amazing. Captain Hitsugaya had paused only slightly when the scurrying sound began. Simply put, he automatically assumed they were rats. However, when the multiple 'thunk-thunk-thunk' began occurring, Captain Hitsugaya forced himself to admit that they must be very _big_ rats. Now, he wasn't too concerned about the rats; more so about his sanity, which he was constantly afraid his lieutenant was slowly driving away. It was a well-known fact that she lost minds all over the Seireitei – it wouldn't be too difficult for her to misplace his own.

It was, in fact, almost certain that he would find his first gray hair before he reached a respectable age, with suspension of disbelief seeing as all his hair is white and had always been white. Now, the 'thunk' he had just heard was the fourth yet.

Then came the sneezes.

It was a fact – all animals sneeze, even rats, and even very big rats. For some strange reason, that was not the fact that was on the young captain's mind at the moment. He was rather frightened at the concept. He would never admit to anyone that the first thought he had was 'stalkers,' and it was certainly not going to be his last. By the time the shushing started, he was onto the possibility of the Shinigami Women's Association with an empty piggy bank _again_.

Captain Hitsugaya admitted that he was not an animal expert, but he wondered if animals are able to shush themselves. Finally, he had to put his foot down. The shushing stopped suddenly as he stood up silently from his chair and immediately began the long death row to the wardrobe standing tall in the corner.

He took a handle in each hand and stood there for a moment, then took a deep breath. He threw open the wardrobe doors.

They say when you are about to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. This has never been proved, of course, but it was certainly an interesting concept. It became more reality than a concept when the poor captain found himself on the floor with the life being crushed out of him. His hand groped for his zanpakuto, but he couldn't move.

Then there was light, and the captain was certain that this was the end. He would die without a fuss, stay behind and haunt Matsumoto just to annoy her, rattle his chains outside of her window at night, and make sure to give her at least half the headache she'd always given him. He would spike her drinks and watch her get ridiculed, but she spiked her own drinks without help from anyone.

And then the flash of light was gone in a second. There was a sudden sound that hit the captain's ears like a train whistle, and then he was helped up.

Excuse me. 'Helped' implies that he got up mostly by himself. He was actually forced to his feet by a total of six arms, and was then caught face-to-face with every Soul Reaper's worst fear – fan girls.

There were three, all female, all grinning evilly, and one holding a camera. The captain, without looking down, could guess that at least one was wearing heels, because he could still feel the heel in his spleen. The captain cleared his throat, prepared to give the speech he had practiced a million times in front of his mirror at home to get just right should this occasion ever present itself.

"What were you doing in my wardrobe?"

It was short, sharp, and to the point. Any idiot could understand it, though it would take another kind of idiot to answer it. He was most surprised when the middle one, a redhead wearing far too much makeup, answered immediately.

"Pictures," she said, giggling excitedly as she held up the camera. "Lots and lots of pictures of our gorgeous Juuban-taicho shirtless…"

"—hair all mussed; artistically, of course…" continued the second girl, who wore a short, tight prom dress.

"—and eating a cupcake," finished the last one, who was pleasantly plump and grinning so widely that the captain could've sworn it was the moon between her lips and not her teeth. The first girl nodded excitedly.

"No," the captain said shortly. He headed to the door and yanked open the screen, and held the door open for them. "You may go," he said.

All three girls' jaws dropped. The lead girl, the one with the camera, took a hesitant step forward. Then all the girls talked at once.  
"—so cute when he's angry!"

"Someone stop me before I give him a noogie!"

"Someone stop me before I give him a great big hug!"

And suddenly the captain found himself being fondled, enthusiastically hugged, and noogied all at once. It was too much to bear, and he had no strength to stop them. He could use Hyorinmaru to cool them off a bit (that would be so _awesome_) but he didn't want to _kill_ them. This was a sticky situation, even more so than being photographed shirtless with mussed hair and a cupcake.

"Must… steal… shirt," the girl in the prom dress drooled, reaching walleyed like a zombie. That did it. The captain decided that he had to resort to barbarian and even uncouth methods to escape from the fan girl's grasp. He was stopped, thank heavens, by the third girl.

"You can't have him shirtless," she said suddenly, stepping back. The other girls gasped, putting their hands to their mouths in shock.

"Why not?" the first girl demanded.

"Yes, do tell," the second exclaimed.

"He's not wearing a shirt," the third explained. The captain, shocked, looked down at himself. "He's wearing a shihakusho," the third girl continued. Understanding dawned on the other girls' faces.

"Shihakusho-less, then," the first and second girls agreed.

"Except it's in one piece," the third girl added. The first and second girls froze.

"I don't want to see _that_ much," the first girl said slowly.

"Why do we have to deal in extremes?" the second girl whined.

Three light-bulbs suddenly clicked on simultaneously. The captain slowly backed away, not liking the looks on their faces.

"I just need a pair of scissors," the first girl said excitedly.

"Oh. I was going to say we could Photoshop Ikkaku Madarame's chest over his shihakusho," the second murmured. "He probably has better abs anyway…"

"I was thinking cupcakes," the third girl admitted. "I think I'm in a red velvet mood today… nice and romantic…"

"We could set fire to it," the first girl suggested. The other girls looked thoughtful.

The captain cleared his throat.

"Out," he said authoritatively. All three pairs of eyes turned to him, and he nearly buckled under the gaze. He felt like a specimen on Captain Kurotsuchi's operating table, but worse, because they were girls. He felt… exposed, and he downright hated it.

"Out," he repeated, sadly with less conviction.

"You heard the boss," the third girl said, and hung her head as she turned to go. The captain decided immediately which one was his favorite.

The first girl grabbed the third girl's shirt and dragged her back. The captain was suddenly enlightened on who his least favorite was. The three girls went into a huddle. The captain found himself fervently wishing he knew what they were saying before he realized that this was perhaps his only chance to escape. He backed up slowly and, before they could react, had turned and disappeared down the hall, a blur of black and white. You might have thought he was a zebra if this wasn't the Soul Society.

The three girls immediately shrieked and raced after him as one, screaming, fists pumping. They couldn't catch up to Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya, but they were propelled by their unique desires to see him shihakusho-less with messed hair and a cupcake. When faced with this image, they put on speed.

The captain came across an open door and was ecstatic to see that there was someone inside. He raced in and immediately hid behind the Squad 11 captain, whose enormous muscle bulk hid the child prodigy completely from view.

When the three fan girls saw who they had encountered, they skid to a stop simultaneously, fear and awe in their eyes. The Squad 11 captain was slightly confused, but wherever there was a fight to be had, he didn't care who was cowering behind him. He grinned and put a hand on his hilt. He blinked.

He could've sworn there had been three girls in front of him, but suddenly there weren't. He wondered if it could be his eyes that were going or maybe if he had just imagined the whole thing. Dismissing it as his imagination, he looked down with distaste at the captain cowering behind him.

"Are they gone?" Captain Hitsugaya's muffled voice asked piteously.

"Don't make this a habit," Captain Zaraki replied, grinning malevolently, before heading out of the room after his prey, which was apparently not his imagination after all. Captain Hitsugaya frowned slightly. What had he done?

_Fin_


End file.
